scorched April Broad Cast Mind Draft

You remember this place. This is the place where you and Kaien-dono used to practice. You remember the trees and the smell of the grass and the sound of the birds. The sun peeks through, touching your skin and seems to light up everything around you. The sky is filled with clouds and if you weren't doing something important they would be enough to distract you. You remember each step you took that day. You're eager enough, running ahead of him before he calls you back.

“Hey, Kuchiki! Stop spacing out!!” Kaien calls out to you and turn and run to him, smiling and happier than anything you've felt. There's still that nagging voice that tells you you don't belong, that you're no good, but he dulls it with a kind word. Kaien-dono has always been kind to his subordinates and you wish more than anything you could be as strong as him. You practice and practice and he praises you and instructs you when you falter.

All of that happiness was temporary.



Flash forward and you're standing in the woods, Ukitake-taichou at your side and holding a hand out in front of you to keep you from leaping to Kaien-dono's rescue. There are two types of fights, Kuchiki... the fight for your life and the one for your pride. You don't want to understand or agree with it, but orders are orders and Kaien-dono wanted to fight alone. Your hand is tight on your sword hilt, shoulders shaking with frustration as you watch on.

The rain is beating down like ice bullets on your skin. Each second you feel your veins freezing over and over still. You watched him fight against Metestacia and lose. You watched the hollow take your mentor from you, obediently following both mens' orders to stay put. This was a fight for Kaien-dono's pride and he had lost it. The hollow mocks you and your feelings for your mentor.

"K-kaien-dono...?"  You can almost hear Ukitake-taichou's pleas for you to run away over the dull roar your hearing has become. You should have run and yet you didn't want Kaien-dono to suffer anymore. You wanted to help him. There he was at last, flying at you with a blood lust in his eye. Metestascia has already taken Kaien Shiba from you, obvious from the very words that dripped from his mouth like acid in Kaien Shiba's voice, but not quite his voice, and his movements that spoke volumes - enemy. You feel as if your whole body is frozen with fear in that moment as you thrust your sword out. The weight of Kaien-dono's body pressed against yours is enough to buckle your knees.

“I dragged you into this. My stubbornness has caused you pain. I'm sorry. You must be torn apart inside. Thanks to you, my heart can still stay here.”  Why? Why is he apologizing? Why is he thanking you? You don't deserve his thanks, don't deserve a damned thing. You killed him. You're not worthy of his praise.

Time passes again. One decision to save him - a human boy and probably the closest thing you've had to a friend since you'd been a child in the Rukongai, whiling the days away with Renji and the others - and you know what's coming for you when you see them. Nii-sama and Renji have come to take you back to Soul Society. You've committed a crime by giving Ichigo your power. You try your best not to show fear, knowing that will only make Ichigo fight harder. Let him lay there and live a little longer.

Please, please, live a little longer...

You don't want more blood on your hands.This is all happening because of how foolish you've always been, how weak you've always been. Nii-sama never could acknowledge you and you know it's because you've always been too weak to stand on your own. You don't deserve mercy, not for the things you've done.

In the cell, Renji is beside himself, unsure of what to do. You won't eat and instead you try to calm him by distracting him with teasing about his eyebrows. Renji has grown. He's changed from that tall skinny boy you remember, who used to laugh with you and your friends in the Rukongai.

Let's become Soul Reapers...

Fourty years without speaking to one another is a long time. You don't want that to be the only thing you can both remember of each other, when you're gone.

Nii-sama arrives and gives you the Central 46's verdict. You never expected your brother to argue it and are unsurprised when he does not. You've failed him again. He took you in and you failed him. You refuse to be sad about the news, though Hanataro asks you why you always look sad. Hanataro visits you and worries for you and you refuse to let the execution affect you on the outside. Ichigo is out there somewhere. Maybe you can save him, even if his efforts to save you are futile. You accepted it long ago that this would be your punishment for what happened to Kaien, for not being strong enough to help Ichigo, for not being worthy of Nii-sama.

Over and over that unworthiness eats at you, even now when you're fighting your hardest. Time has passed again. You're a lieutenant now, the execution long behind you.



“Nii-sama...?” Out of the corner of your eye, you see a solitary cherry blossom petal. It causes your heart to stop momentarily with panic. Something is wrong. Your brother's reiatsu is fluctuating and so is Renji's, like two flames about to be extinguished. Fear consumes you and all you want to do is run to them and help. Your legs move before your mind catches up and you're screaming out again, "Nii-sama!!"   Why can't your legs move faster? Why can't your body just propel you right where you want to be most? He needs you. He needs you.

"Turning your back to the enemy during a fight? You must be underestimating me."  sneers your Quincy opponent. They will show you no mercy for this moment of weakness. You're a lietenant and should have known better and  yet -

You take your eyes off of your opponent and begin to run away as they move in to strike you down. Pain lances through your body and you lose consciousness. Once again you could do nothing. Nothing at all. Nii-sama.... Renji. All that answers you is darkness.

[While all of this plays out, Rukia is still mostly asleep, curled up in bed. She stirs a bit, slowly pulling out of her subconscious.] Mm... [She turns over, unaware that her device is recording her troubling dreams.]